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Jokes

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The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.


A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want. The Russian begins thinking, Well I really like drinking vodka. Finally the Russian says, I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me pee vodka. The Genie grants him his wish.


When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pee into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, Natasha, Natasha, come quickly.She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pee into it.

He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses.

The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him Boris, why do we only need one glass? Boris raises the glass and says, Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.


Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say. Hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic?

If you mated a Bulldog with a Sheetsu would you get a Bullsheet?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?

Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say.

I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four?

They're both dogs. 

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

If ,Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it? 

Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your anus?

Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: Sip the vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not beat his ass. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it for it is my body. 

He did not say, Eat me! The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the cherry. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yay Lord. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


Get a glimpse into life far into the future, in the year 2058.. Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining undamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). 

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2058. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled- up newspapers must be registered by January 2057. Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. 

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped! Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine.


 

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A teacher was working with her seventh grade class on Thinking skills. She was giving some concrete examples of deductive reasoning skills. I'm holding an object behind my back, she said, And it's round and red. Little Mary in the front row stuck her hand up. Is it a cherry? she inquired. No, said the teacher, It's an apple, but I like the way you think. Next the teacher said, I'm holding something behind my back.

It's long and yellow. Can anyone guess what it is? A banana! A banana! shouted little Freddy. No, said the teacher, It's a pencil, but I like the way you think. A voice boomed from the back of the room. It was Dukie. Hey teach, how about I hide something and you guess. Not to be outdone the teacher agreed. Dukie swaggered up to the front of the room, dug hishand into his pocket, and said, I've got something in my pocket. It's round and hard and it's got a head on it.

The teacher thought for a moment, her face reddened. Dukie, that's obscene, sit down. No it's not teach, he said as he brought his hand out of his pocket. It's a quarter, but I like the way you think.


Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughters graduation from medical school. Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night. Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills. The son said, I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive.  

How much? asked Grandpa. Around $10.00 a pill, answered the son. I don't care,'said Grandpa, I'd still like to try one, we'll be leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow. Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. 

He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00. 'I know,' said Grandpa. The hundred is from Grandma.


An elderly gentleman ... had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, Your hearing is perfect.

Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again. The gentleman replied, Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!


******


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel? Slim says, I feel just like a newborn baby. Really! Like a newborn baby! Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.


******


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.

I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, What is the name of the restaurant? The first man thought and thought and finally said, What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.

Do you mean a rose? Yes, that's the one, replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?


******


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don't know, he said. She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.


******


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. Want anything while I'm in the kitchen? he asks. Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? Sure.

Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it? she ask. No, I can remember it. Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it? He says, I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down? she ask. 

Irritated, he says, I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake! Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. Where's my toast ?


******


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:  So, I hear you're getting married? Yep! Do I know her? Nope! This woman, is she good looking? Not really. Is she a good cook? Naw, she can't cook too well. Does she have lots of money? Nope! Poor as a church mouse.

Well, then, is she good in bed? I don't know. Why in the world do you want to marry her then? Because she can still drive!


*******


Three old guys are out walking. First one says, Windy, isn't it? Second one says, No, it's Thursday! Third one says, So am I.

Let's go get a beer.


******


A man was telling his neighbor, I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect. Really, answered the neighbor. What kind is it? Twelve thirty.


******

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, You're really doing great, aren't you?

Morris replied, Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful. The doctor said, I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.


******


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up on to a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, Crushed nuts? No, he replied, Arthritis.


There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors,and the list goes on. 

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! Why don't you order a Guinness? his colleagues ask. Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I.


A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby. 

Honey, what's wrong? she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail? Yes, of course, she replied. Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!


A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the newer young doctors. After 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening, he had her sit down to relax in another room, marched down the hallway to the back where the younger doctor was, and demanded, What's the matter with you? 

Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant! The new young doctor continued to write on his clipboard without missing a beat and said. Does she still have the hiccups?


 

A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window, and asks the little man what's wrong. I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry, sobs the littleman. Well, says the trucker, I can offer you a sandwich, but that's as much as I can do. So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. 

A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and - a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is. I'm red, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm thirsty, the little man bawls.

So the trucker says, I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do. He hands a tin of Coke down to the little man and drives off. A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, Yes, you dirty little moffie, what idiot planet are you from and what the *@$* do you want?

And the little man answers, Your driver's licence, please..


 

Bicycles don't get pregnant. You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month. Bicycles don't have parents. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong. You can share your Bicycle with your friends. Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden. When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have. Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles. Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines. You'll never hear, Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle unless you go out to buy one yourself. If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it. If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle. If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again. You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore. You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it. Bicycles don't get headaches. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider. Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles. Bicycles don't care if you're late. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts. You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother. The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.


 

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. But to no avail. 

The cabby said, If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab! So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport  and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. 

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, How much for a ride to the airport, he asked? Fifteen bucks, came the reply. And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way? What?  Get the hell out of my cab. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. 

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked How much for a ride to the airport? The cabby replied "fifteen bucks. The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.


 

An Irishman's daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father berated her; Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff..DAD.. I became a prostitute... .WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again! OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million.

For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for you, Daddy, the brand new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera , and...

Now what was it you said you had become? The girl, crying again said, a prostitute, Dad! Oh! Sweet Cow! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!


 

On the first day, God created the dog and said: Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years. The dog said: That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten? So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.

The monkey said: Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did? And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.

For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. The cow said: That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty? And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.

But man said: Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay? Okay, said God, You asked for it. So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. ......WOOF !


A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. What are you doing? she asked. I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work, the daughter in law answered. But you're naked! the mother-in-law exclaimed. This is my love dress, the daughter-in-law explained.

Love dress? But you're naked! Mike loves me to wear this dress, she explained. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me. The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. 

He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. What are you doing? he asked. This is my love dress, she whispered, sensually. Needs ironing, he said. What's for dinner?


 

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, Cruise Special ** 79USD! **

So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, Id like the 79 $ cruise special, please. The agent says, Yes, mam, the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, Do they serve refreshments on his cruise? The second blonde replies.

They didnt last year.


After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. How bout that! he exclaims, Here's a picture of my Fadder.

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.


 

Joe pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. My wife Mavis must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man! What makes you say that? The bartender inquired. Last week, Joe says, I'd had to take a couple of sick days from work.

Mavis was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering. My old Hubby's home! My old Hubby's home!


A man went to the doctor and said: Doctor, whenever I fart theres no smell. The doctor asked he man if he could do one there and then, which the man did, very loudly. The doctor sniffed a few times, and said: Yes, I think I know what the problem is, went out of the surgery for a moment and came back with a very long stick with a hook on the end. The man became very frightened and asked  the Doctor, what are you going to do with that long stick? To which the doctor replied. Im going to open the window my my my youve got something wrong with your nose!!

 

There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in.

So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles.

After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do.

The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize.

Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out.

So they trained the same monkey to take corks out of bottles.

They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them.

The reporter asked the first farmer, What is the last thing you remember Sir?  Sheet flying everywhere, the farmer replied.

The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response.

When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying.

The reporter asked, Whats the matter Sir? The farmer replied, The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkeys face as he tried to stick the cork back in.


 

A man went into a store and began looking around.

He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them.

He asked the sales person..

How much are the washer and dryer???

Five dollars for both of them, the salesman said.

Yeah right, youve got to be kidding me! the man replied sarcastically.

No, thats the price, the salesman said, Do you want to buy them or not?Yeah, Ill take them! the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.

How much? he asked...

Five dollars for the system, the salesman answered.

Is it stolen???  the guy asks...

No, said the salesman, Its brand new, do you want it or not???

Sure, the customer replied.

He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor.

How much???

Five dollars, was the familiar response.

Ill take that too! the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him: Why are your prices so cheap???

The salesman said, Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

What hes doing to her, Im doing to his business!!!


 

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding.

As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.

Good afternoon Sir.

Do you know why I stopped you??

Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death.

Oh, really?? Hows that??

Theres a naked woman waiting for me at home.

I dont see how that is a matter of life or death.

If I dont get home before my wife does.

Im a dead man.....


Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made myself lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. 

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wifes back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, The weather out there is realy terrible.

She sleepily replied, Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that sheety weather.

One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently.

He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom.

When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your behind with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean.

The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that.

So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it.

So he wipes his behind with his fingers and sticks them in the hole.

Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.


 

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "Youre really doing great, arent you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The Doctor said, "I didnt say that.

I said you got a heart murmur.

Be careful."

 

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